Anger and Spite

Sometimes I am surprised

To see them

Rearing their ugly heads

Just in time 

For the Sun to show

Its glorious head

But these twins 

Have a way of clouding

Even the brightest and most lovely days.

Day Star, breathe, make the shadows of my heart flee.

The more I fall in love with God and Courtney, the more I feel I have an understanding of books like Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. These are not “universal platitudes” given from heaven to try to make us Bible-clones, these are books of seasoned wisdom, reminding us that our lives our lived before our Father and Maker, God. I am reminded to receive joy from my Lord in the midst of working hard and not always seeing the purpose or end goals. I am reminded to seek the face of God for my identity when what I think and how I see myself seem like the most pressing things in heart and mind. I am reminded that it is so easy for my ways to be self-justified and that such self-justification is actually self-deception. God gives wisdom, joy and contentment, satisfying yet perplexing relationship, and a whole host of other things that it may go well with us, His children, that we may love and fear Him. This is some of what I feel God pressing on me as I approach these books.

I’m realizing that the hardest thing about solitude and silence is not that I am uncomfortable with God, but that I’m uncomfortable with myself. 

-me

I had another one of my “over-thinking” moments today, where I… 

Yeah… That was the blog post I started, but I have this habit with status updates, blogs and the like, where I have a rush of excitement and energy as I try to get my thoughts out and stop abruptly in thought two seconds later. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say, quite the contrary: I think it may be due to… 

• my inability to narrow down my convoluted thoughts down to one topic, picture or idea
• the fact that I would rather talk face to face as with a friend
• wondering how much—or why—I care about even trying
• or simply losing my train of thought.

Don’t misread, I like giving people a “window into my life” and I like having one into the lives of others, but 

• it’s almost always out of context
• it’s generally superfluous
• and if it isn’t superfluous or petty, it makes me sad that the “windows” of others are only open when they are wrapped tightly in their technological security blanket. 

Crap. I just went on the same rant I’ve been on about social media/technology and how it’s often a farce rather than saying something new. Hmmm… Suffice it to say…

Whoops. It happened again… think that time it was a train of thought derail. Sorry guys. 

Running is an interesting synthesis of strain and soothing, toil and release. 

When I’m bursting at the seams to say something—to voice my opinion, to be heard—it is then that I must check my motives, guard my tongue and be silent.